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melviso
23rd Feb 2006, 13:57
Well, I have been thinking.Why don't we share some jokes while we await the date of release of this game that keeps getting postponed.

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel and decided not to talk to each other till further notice.Whenever they wanted to communicate,they wrote on a piece of paper and passed to each other.
One day, the husband had an important meeting the next day so he wrote:
'When its 6:00 am, wake me up.'
He passed it to his wife.
Later,early in the morning the wife woke up. When it was 6:00 am, the wife wrote:
'Wake up.'
She placed it beside him on the bed and went to sleep.

Shehi
23rd Feb 2006, 14:06
Well, I have been thinking.Why don't we share some jokes while we await the date of release of this game that keeps getting postponed.

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel and decided not to talk to each other till further notice.Whenever they wanted to communicate,they wrote on a piece of paper and passed to each other.
One day, the husband had an important meeting the next day so he wrote:
'When its 6:00 am, wake me up.'
He passed it to his wife.
Later,early in the morning the wife woke up. When it was 6:00 am, the wife wrote:
'Wake up.'
She placed it beside him on the bed and went to sleep.


Good idea melviso! And good joke, thanks! :D

melviso
23rd Feb 2006, 14:25
Here is another, shehi:
A man enters a nightclub and shouts to eveyone:
'Guys,I just gat promoted so when I am drinking I want everyone to drink with me'
The crowd hailed him as he progressed to the bar.While he took a bottle of beer,others busied themselves with champagne and very expensive liquors thinking the bill was on him.
When he finished drinking.He said,'While I am paying I want everyone to pay with me.' As he made his way towards the exit, people began to dip their hands into their pockets, some were taking off their wristwatches and shoes to settle their bills.

carlo
23rd Feb 2006, 15:44
Here is another, shehi:
A man enters a nightclub and shouts to eveyone:
'Guys,I just gat promoted so when I am drinking I want everyone to drink with me'
The crowd hailed him as he progressed to the bar.While he took a bottle of beer,others busied themselves with champagne and very expensive liquors.
When he finished drinking.He said,'While I am paying I want everyone to pay with me.' As he made his way towards the exit, people began to dip their hands into their pockets, some were taking off their wristwatches and shoes to settle their bills.

:confused: ermm ye ??

melviso
23rd Feb 2006, 16:18
Confused?I am not surprised.
A boy was trying to lift an overturned cart of hay when he was approached by his next door elderly neighbour, Mrs Pgray.
How about a nice launch at my place?'the old lady asked him.
The boy replied his father would not like that.
'O nonsense!!'she replied,'Am sure ur dad would not mind.'
'U think so?' the boy asked.
'Of course' she replied,'He wouldn't mind one single bit.'
So the boy followed her home,where she gave him a lot of goddies.
It was almost evening when the boy said:
'Now my dad is gonna be really angry!'
It then occured to Mrs Pgray to ask him
'By the way where is ur dad?'
'Under the cart!!' the boy replied.

midroth
23rd Feb 2006, 21:50
Beg your pardon, pardon (http://amfilms.hash.com/search/Entry.php?entry=1051&act=launch&Friend=0&ts=1140731024) - ok, (mum) not really..! ;)


~20MB QuickTime

melviso
24th Feb 2006, 14:39
Here is another:
During a maths class, a teacher asked a pupil to pronounce 222.
'Two hundred and twenty two.' he replied.
333.
'Three hundred and thirty three.'another replied.
Then he asked another student.111
'Thats easy,'the pupil replied,'One hundred and onety one.'

Sophia Leigh
25th Feb 2006, 08:37
Beg your pardon, pardon (http://amfilms.hash.com/search/Entry.php?entry=1051&act=launch&Friend=0&ts=1140731024) - ok, (mum) not really..! ;)


~20MB QuickTime

Now he was just annoying :p :)

:D Hey midroth, why haven't you entered here yet? http://forums.eidosgames.com/showthread.php?t=55632

star girl
25th Feb 2006, 09:29
who literally had three threads of hair on her head. On one special occasion, she went to the beauty parlour for a 'do'. She requested the hair dresser there to do a braid. Confused, the dresser made an attempt, during which one hair broke.

"Aww.." the woman said, then requested once more:
"Do a bun for me."

Again, the hair dresser tried, this time for a bun. In the process, another one of her hair broke, leaving only one behind.

"Awww..." the woman exclaimed then said happily:
"Don't worry I'll open up my hair and then attend this function."

With only one single weak thread of hair left.

:D :D :D

Sophia Leigh
25th Feb 2006, 12:32
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

CatSuit&Ponytail
25th Feb 2006, 15:23
A three legged dog walks into a bar.

The usual western bar revelry dies down as heads turns to see the dog silhouetted in front of the swinging saloon doors.

The dog draws a revolver and says, "I'ma lookin' fur the man who shot my Paw."

maniac44
25th Feb 2006, 17:09
Here is another:
During a maths class, a teacher asked a pupil to pronounce 222.
'Two hundred and twenty two.' he replied.
333.
'Three hundred and thirty three.'another replied.
Then he asked another student.111
'Thats easy,'the pupil replied,'One hundred and onety one.'


:D
I hope the teach told the student that they were wrong.
The correct answer is: "One hundred and tenty-one".

;) :D

Sophia Leigh
26th Feb 2006, 09:15
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

StarChampagne
26th Feb 2006, 13:46
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."


Ouch. :rolleyes:


Speaking of which...

A man walked into a bar and said, 'Ouch'.

It was an iron bar.

~

A rabbit, feeling hungry, walked into a bar and asked what was for lunch.

'Today we're serving toasties,' replied the barman.

'I'd like a ham toastie and some beer please,' replied the rabbit.

So the rabbit sat down and devoured them both. But he was still hungry so he went back and ordered a cheese toastie and some more beer. And after that he ordered a pickle toastie and another beer.

By this time the rabbit was very drunk, so the barman asked him to leave. But the rabbit collapsed and died, so the barman took him outside and buried him to avoid scaring the customers.

The next day the ghost of the rabbit walked into the bar.

'What killed you?' asked the terrified barman.

'Mixin' matoasties,' replied the rabbit.

~

Ok, that was terrible. :D

maniac44
26th Feb 2006, 17:13
A travelling salesman was on his way to a meeting when he noticed that his watch was broken. Worried about wether he'll be late for his meeting, he had to stop to ask a local what the time was. Just on the side of the road was a farmer milking his cow. "Please sir, could you tell me what time it is?" the salesman asked. The farmer reaches down and lifts the cow's udder a few times and says, "It's 2:18".
"Wow, that's amazing. You can tell the time by just lifting the cow's udder."
"No. When I lift the udder, I can see the clock on the church steeple over there."


:D

carlo
27th Feb 2006, 14:01
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand

melviso
5th Mar 2006, 12:58
Funny,Mum.That was hilarious.So did the dude eat it all up?:D

maniac44,I guess the teacher was right after all:D

A woman visits a doctor complaning of lack of sleep due to the barking of dogs in the neighbourhood.On critical examination of her eyes, they were swollen and red with lack of sleep.The doctor prescribed some sleeping drugs for her on a notepad and handed it to her.The woman took the note and left.
Some days later the woman returned looking worse than she was before. She looked like she was going to drop dead any minute.
'But thats impossible,'the doctor said in utter disbelief.'With those drugs,anyone can sleep even through world war 3!!!'
'Of course I know that,'she said exhausted,'But the tedious part of the work is to run after those dogs and force the pills down their throats.'

melviso
22nd Mar 2006, 14:06
A boy came home with a report from his teacher complaining about his poor performances in Maths.
'U mean you do not know what is the sum of 5 + 5?'the father asked in amazement,looking up from the note he has just read.
The boy shook his head.
'Okay, if I give u five dollars,and later I give u another five dollars.How much will u have?'
'Ten dollars!!!',the boy replied quickly.

Jack_Cade
19th Apr 2006, 18:56
Melviso's jokes are utterly disturbing.

melviso
20th Apr 2006, 13:41
Melviso's jokes are utterly disturbing.

Rather than make that comment :mad: why not write one joke then.,duh?:mad: :mad:

Jack_Cade
21st Apr 2006, 16:59
If I come across a funny one, I'll let you know.

Seriously though... that last one. Where was the punch line?

melviso
22nd Apr 2006, 11:51
U will let me know?Really,u are very annoying.Thats ur business if u found it funny or not.I suggest u use the word 'Punchline' carefully and please don't reply my threads, if u do not know how to put across ur opinion in a polite and matured way and I mean it:mad: .

Jack_Cade
24th Apr 2006, 22:21
Matured? Like cheddar?

I'm serious though. What was the punchline? There's a boy who can't add. His dad gives him a sum. He gets it right. That's not a joke, whichever way you cut it.

Sophia Leigh
25th Apr 2006, 00:47
The point of the joke is that money is very persuasive. I thought the joke was cute :)

melviso
25th Apr 2006, 12:53
The point of the joke is that money is very persuasive. I thought the joke was cute :)

Thanks,Mum.This proves how intelligent u are.:)

Matured? Like cheddar?

I'm serious though. What was the punchline? There's a boy who can't add. His dad gives him a sum. He gets it right. That's not a joke, whichever way you cut it.

This proves how dumb u are.:rolleyes: Okay..the kid is six year old.Most kids these days do not know or wanna know when it comes to mathematics..but give them a sum using currency.They get it in seconds.If u do not understand what I have just written.Then maybe u do not have a good sense of humour or God help u!!!And whats with the use of the word 'PUNCHLINE'and who are u to decide which is a joke or which is not,different strokes for different people.GET IT!!!THIS MATTER IS CLOSED.

Jack_Cade
26th Apr 2006, 21:11
I'm dumb, and I have no sense of humour? Coming from someone who writes 'u' instead of 'you', and who can't tell jokes?

Cute it may be, Mum. Funny it isn't. A joke, it isn't. How old is Melviso? Am I supposed to show him some kind of special leniency? I mean, who responds to other people's jokes by asking further questions about them? 'So, did the dude eat it all up' etc? He's entitled to live his life as whatever kind of bizarre little entity he is, but I'm entitled to say that his jokes disturb me. They do. It's like seeing someone chuckling at the sight of their own shoes.

Faye
26th Apr 2006, 22:54
If you didn't find melviso's joke funny, then that's fair enough. What exactly is it that you want? There's nothing that can be achieved by being offensive. Such nastiness is not allowed on this forum.

melviso
28th Apr 2006, 15:27
I'm dumb, and I have no sense of humour? Coming from someone who writes 'u' instead of 'you', and who can't tell jokes?

Cute it may be, Mum. Funny it isn't. A joke, it isn't. How old is Melviso? Am I supposed to show him some kind of special leniency? I mean, who responds to other people's jokes by asking further questions about them? 'So, did the dude eat it all up' etc? He's entitled to live his life as whatever kind of bizarre little entity he is, but I'm entitled to say that his jokes disturb me. They do. It's like seeing someone chuckling at the sight of their own shoes.

Jeez...Guess u like picking on useless topics and making them sound important.How old am I? I think I am older than u because u h act like a 2 months old.Just some comments I made,u are sulking.JEZZZ.... Such a baby.Did the baby wet its nappies again:lol: ?If u feel bad,thats your business, none pushed u into a headless and pointless arguement in the first place.Truly,rather than discuss maturedly...U don't like the joke,so what! The whole world must hear about it and its been dragged as if the world is coming to an end.JEZZ...I say again.Don't u HAVE SOMETHING ELSE to do than blab a lot about a joke u don't like or SOMETHING ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT.Dude....I mean it:mad: quit the sulking and get a LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!By the way, Its quite surprising that u just joined this forum,and the first thing 'u' want to start is trouble.My....my...my!!As I said earlier,get a LIFE and a GOOD ONE too !!!!!



If you didn't find melviso's joke funny, then that's fair enough. What exactly is it that you want? There's nothing that can be achieved by being offensive. Such nastiness is not allowed on this forum.

God help us all...maybe he just needs someone to talk to...but on second thought,maybe a troublemaker,making trouble over nothing.Wonder what he wants.Thanks,Faye.To that confused dude,If u want to argue about a topic that can simply be overlooked or handled maturedly,then go elsewhere:mad: .I would appreciate it.. DEEPLY.. if you stay away from my threads,u are boring and very annoying:mad: .

star girl
29th Apr 2006, 10:36
Jack_cade = This is not a healthy way to begin with, especially since you're new. This thread is about posting jokes, and comments are just addititonal accessories. And if the jokes simply makes you laugh, even if their stupid, dumb or plain repulsive to others, then well the joke has done it's job! If you don't like it, then please don't say it to others. There are 8 billion people in the world, and believe me each and every one of them has a separate way of looking and considering things. It was very wrong of you to say that... being completely honest.

And about the 'u' thing, well wake up and look around! This is the 21st centruy and today's generation is not formal enough to write the whole 'you'. Yes, many of us still do now, I do because I write stories and articles and to save time without using spell check, I have to write it in this formal way. People send text messanges than rather writing lenghty letters. So it's just okay to use whatever sort of way to right. I think you owe melviso an apology.

Jack_Cade
29th Apr 2006, 12:30
Six of one, half a dozen of the other. All I said was that his jokes are disturbing. He chose to escalate it into a conflict. It's the usual thing you've got to expect on the Internet - you don't respond aggressively to people's comments and then blame them when it gets out of hand.

Writing 'you' as 'u' isn't simply informal. It's lazy and stupid. I can understand it on mobile phones, where you need to conserve space, but it's irritating and pointless on the Internet. Plenty of 'Today's youth' are intelligent enough to understand that.

Same with ten exclamation marks at the end of a sentence. It makes you look like you're an ill-educated moron who's got his chocolate-covered fingers stuck to the 1 key.

And I don't know what to say about repeatedly shouting 'JEZZ'. What the hell does that mean? Do you mean 'Jeez', by any chance?

I understand everyone's points about not causing trouble, but it helps when the replies to my comments aren't over-aggressive, barely readable bilge from an oversensitive child.

star girl
30th Apr 2006, 11:17
Who really does care if one understands it on the Internet or not? The point is you get the meaning, when you do, it's done with! You started it off by:
Melviso's jokes are utterly disturbing.
It his/her thread! If I was you and I had to make a comment, then I'd send a PM or something. That could be overlooked, now melviso naturally challenged you. Who wouldn't? But the punchline part, well it clearly would push one's patience way over the edge.

Coming to the punctuation part, then you are HOPELESS! If someone has to talk to you, he/she'd better get an A in English Grammar then talk. I think apart from being an 'over-sensitive child' you're like a stubborn senior citizen or something! :mad:

Jack_Cade
30th Apr 2006, 14:47
Oh, please. You don't need an A in English, kids. Basic literacy is something most people are capable of. Not brushing up on it is simply idle. Yes, I challenged Melviso on his own thread (though I don't see what that's got to do with it - you don't have 'territory' on the Internet,) and yes, he might have been a bit peeved. But if he doesn't want the attack to carry on, he shouldn't retaliate. I wouldn't have said anything back if the little twit had just ignored me.

Melviso, you're a little insult machine, aren't you? Look, I can do it too: you're a pustule-covered, friendless, jizz-dribbling little jerkface twatflap who can't get girls because he's too fat and lives in a dark room fantasising over Lara Croft and laughing at his own crap jokes.

See? It's not hard. Now go screw yourself. Or better yet, learn English.

melviso
30th Apr 2006, 14:56
.I would appreciate it.. DEEPLY.. if you stay away from my threads,u are boring and very annoying:mad: .
Well...I am not fat at all.I am tall,muscular and very cute and I have a lot of girlfriends.I said it .He is a fool,fool,fool!!!!Now he's childish.:mad2:
I am sure he can write but can't read .He's so foolish,stupid and mentally deranged.Thanks Stargirl,I think he is looking for some attention. Stupidity...that is.There are certain group of people who think the best way to get noticed is by making stupid comments.Let's IGNORE the bloody bastard,if he wants the attention he so craves,let him check himself into a rehab.Are we sure this guy isn't writing from a rehab or mental hospital?FOOL!!!

As to the writing,this is a free forum,no rules guiding English here,niccompoop!!'A' in grammar?.. that fool obviously is a dunce when it comes to social relations skills.I am sure he is such a loner,hasn't chated before in his miserable life,thats why he doesn't know why people use 'u' instead of 'you'..This explains why he doesn't have any friends,perharps if he ever got married,the marriage does not last a month.Funny,he's just 23...just entering adulthood and still looking for attention...Such a SHAME!!!
Let's ignore him, .Just don't reply the fool.

CavemanK
30th Apr 2006, 15:42
LOL, I think your angry replies is way funnier than your "jokes".

I must say that I am on Jack's side on this one!

Back on topic, here's a joke:

A pirate with a steering wheel in his trousers enters a bar.

The barman looks surprised and asks: What is that steering wheel doing in your pants!?

The pirate answers: Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!

Sophia Leigh
1st May 2006, 00:43
Please pay special attention to rule 5 here (http://forums.eidosgames.com/showthread.php?t=53673)
I'm surprised that no moderators have been involved in this. This is normally such a friendly forum but lately there have been quite a few trouble makers floating. I have know idea why Jack Cade thought he'd start picking on Melviso but would you please stop!

star girl
1st May 2006, 09:29
Please pay special attention to rule 5 here (http://forums.eidosgames.com/showthread.php?t=53673)
I'm surprised that no moderators have been involved in this. This is normally such a friendly forum but lately there have been quite a few trouble makers floating. I have know idea why Jack Cade thought he'd start picking on Melviso but would you please stop!

Yeah... I have to agree with that. It would be better for both parties just stop, and I thought a moderator would be involved or two. Well said! :thumbsup:


A pirate with a steering wheel in his trousers enters a bar.

The barman looks surprised and asks: What is that steering wheel doing in your pants!?

The pirate answers: Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!

Nice once... :D

melviso
1st May 2006, 11:01
Well...I don't usually have time for troublemakers but then he asked for trouble and I don't back down when it comes to situation like this.Thanks Stargirl, Mum and Faye for acting like respectable and matured members of this forum.
As for that....:rolleyes:

star girl
1st May 2006, 17:25
Coming to the punctuation part, then you are HOPELESS! If someone has to talk to you, he/she'd better get an A in English Grammar then talk. I think apart from being an 'over-sensitive child' you're like a stubborn senior citizen or something!

I apologize, I think I went too far on someone who I don't even know is. I won't take part in this anymore. And you're welcome melviso.

Sophia Leigh
11th May 2006, 08:54
I thought these were cute :)


Q: Why does Lara Croft like apples?
A: They're Core Designed!

Lara Croft walks into the bar and asks for a drink...
Bar tender: Alright love, can I get you a drink?
Lara: I'll have a rum and coke please.
Bar tender: So how's the tomb raiding going?
Lara: Great except I got thrown out of Heathrow airport.
Bar tender: Why?
Lara: They said I was confusing the aircraft.
Bar tender: What were you doing?
Lara: Practicing my somersaults.
Bar tender: How's that affecting them?
Lara: they have no licenses for low flying air croft! (Aircraft).

Q: Why would Lara seem lazy?
A: It says Eidos (I doss*) on the case.
*Note to non-English readers-"Doss" is an English
slang word for doing nothing, e.g. "We just dossed at work today."

StarChampagne
14th May 2006, 15:25
Lara related jokes! Thanks Mum :thumbsup:

I can't think of any jokes, let alone good ones...

LARAS HELPER
14th May 2006, 19:46
why is everyone telling jokes?****

LARAS HELPER
14th May 2006, 21:07
Why is everyone telling jokes ?:p

uzigirl
15th May 2006, 06:48
Shirley's Makeover

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Lone Raider
16th May 2006, 07:34
There's a power cut in a Shopping Mall. Forty people got stuck in the lifts.
Two Blondes got stuck on the escalator.

star girl
16th May 2006, 13:21
Great jokes all 3 of you!

whitemetal
16th May 2006, 14:13
What a great thread, been a long time since i've read such spirited posts on the forum. Anyway here's a joke which could also be disturbing :D

Three priests and their wives were travelling together in a Mini van; On the way to their favourite vacation spot, a bad storm saw the van skid off the road, it was a total fatality. The three couples fronted St. Peter at the gates of Heaven, said St. Peter to the first priest "you have thought of nothing but money all your life, hiding thousands of dollars from the needy who surrounded you and you even married a woman named Penny, down to hell with you;" a flash a the priest was gone. Said St. Peter to the second priest" you have the demon drink in you and have thought of nothing but the next drop all your life, you even married a woman named Brandy," a flash and the priest was gone. On seeing the fate of the first two priest the third turned to his wife and said " come on Fanny we're out of here !" :scratch:
:D :D :D :D

Lone Raider
16th May 2006, 15:37
:d :d :d

Sophia Leigh
17th May 2006, 01:18
What a great thread, been a long time since i've read such spirited posts on the forum. Anyway here's a joke which could also be disturbing :D

Three priests and their wives were travelling together in a Mini van; On the way to their favourite vacation spot, a bad storm saw the van skid off the road, it was a total fatality. The three couples fronted St. Peter at the gates of Heaven, said St. Peter to the first priest "you have thought of nothing but money all your life, hiding thousands of dollars from the needy who surrounded you and you even married a woman named Penny, down to hell with you;" a flash a the priest was gone. Said St. Peter to the second priest" you have the demon drink in you and have thought of nothing but the next drop all your life, you even married a woman named Brandy," a flash and the priest was gone. On seeing the fate of the first two priest the third turned to his wife and said " come on Fanny we're out of here !" :scratch:


:lol: :lol: :lol:

melviso
17th May 2006, 13:31
Nice one...all of u.Trying to come up with one or two jokes and this time I hope I am safe.:)

star girl
17th May 2006, 17:14
What a great thread, been a long time since i've read such spirited posts on the forum. Anyway here's a joke which could also be disturbing :D

Three priests and their wives were travelling together in a Mini van; On the way to their favourite vacation spot, a bad storm saw the van skid off the road, it was a total fatality. The three couples fronted St. Peter at the gates of Heaven, said St. Peter to the first priest "you have thought of nothing but money all your life, hiding thousands of dollars from the needy who surrounded you and you even married a woman named Penny, down to hell with you;" a flash a the priest was gone. Said St. Peter to the second priest" you have the demon drink in you and have thought of nothing but the next drop all your life, you even married a woman named Brandy," a flash and the priest was gone. On seeing the fate of the first two priest the third turned to his wife and said " come on Fanny we're out of here !" :scratch:
:D :D :D :D

WHITE METAL!!!! It's been a LONG time! How's your daughter? (if you remember, u told us she got married the last time u came around) Great to see you again!

nice joke! :D

suzieq51
19th May 2006, 02:57
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

melviso
19th May 2006, 13:09
A man and his wife were visited by armed robbers.The leader of the gang looked at the wife thoughtfully and asked:
'What's your name?
'Carol!!',the woman replied in a fearful voice.
The leader looked touched and said','Carol!!What a coincedience.That's my mother's name.You know u remind me of her.Lost her two years ago to cancer.Sit down..we are not going to hurt you.'
He turned to the husband and asked him in a hoarse voice:
'What's your name?'
'Emm..Please,my name is Paul,'he said,trembling,'But my friends call me 'Carol'

star girl
19th May 2006, 13:53
:lol: okay they are funny...

Olgerth Heidern
19th May 2006, 15:52
A cat burglar broke into a house in the middle of the night while the owner was away. He crept down a hall to the bedroom when a voice BOOMED from up above:

"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!!!"

The burglar got spooked, but after a minute he heard no steps approaching, and saw no cops coming. So he made his way into the bedroom and started looking for valuables. Again, a voice BOOMS from up above:

"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!!"

The burglar almost had a heart attack and shone his flashlight to and fro, but so no one; he peeked out the window but didn't see anybody outside either. So he went back to his dirty business, busting open drawers and grabbing jewelry. Then the voice BOOMED a third time:

"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!!"

Utterly panicked, the burglar ran from the bedroom and down a hallway until he came upon a birdcage with a huge Macaw parrot in it. The cage had a nametag on it that said "Clarence".

"Phew!" Said the burglar, "It's been you all along, "Clarence"! What kind of an idiot names a bird Clarence anyway?!"

"Why Sir", said the parrot, "The same idiot that names a rotweiller Jesus!"

SethKoopa
8th Jun 2006, 21:48
There was once a priest who loved golf. One Sunday, when he was supposed to do a sermon, it was a clear, sunny day, with absolutely no breeze - a perfect day for playing golf. The priest resented having to give a sermon on a day like this. So he phoned his superior and told him he was sick.

An angel was truly scandalised by the priest's selfish act. As the priest set out into the golfing fields, the angel went to God and said: "Aren't you going to punish the priest for his selfishness?"
God replied: "Yes I am."
The two watched as the priest placed his golf ball, then took his position with his club.
The priest swung his club and his ball soared in a graceful arc, straight into the hole he was aiming for, which was quite a distance away.
The angel stared at God and said: "I thought you said you were going to punish the man! And you made him do a hole in one!"
God replied patiently: "Think. Whom is he going to tell?"

star girl
4th Jul 2006, 20:41
There was once a young man who had a great desire to be a pilot, and build a plane himself. He succeeded in being an accomplished pilot and built a very special aricraft, the one which had no roof. His mother was very superstitious and paranoid. When they'd be speeding along in a car, she'd be bickering at the speed and would point out all the bad things that could happen. Before boarding the plane, the young man told his mother, "Please, I worked very hard on this! don't spoil it all the cmplaining!" The mother was sad, but took a seat next to her husband. This was supposed to be sort of a "test flight". The young pilot maneuvered the plane to do all sorts of weird somersaults and other tricks. When they landed, his mother began: "Did I say anything during the whole flight? Did I say anything when you somersaulted in so many different ways? Did I say anything when your father fell out?!"

.... :D :D :D :D My dad told me this one... :D

olhe3
4th Jul 2006, 21:53
Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross.

SethKoopa
3rd Oct 2006, 12:36
A nun gets into a taxi. Whilst driving, the taxi driver keeps looking over his shoulder at her. Finally, he pulls over, turns in his seat and says:
"Listen, can I tell you a little secret of mine?"
"Sure," replies the nun.
"I've always wanted to kiss a nun," says the taxi driver. "Is it okay if I'm not married and I'm a Catholic?"
The nun thinks things over.
"Okay," she replies at last.
And the taxi driver leans over his seat and kisses the nun for a whole minute.
When they break up, he faces forward in his seat again and sighs.
"I'm sorry, I lied," he says. "I'm actually married and I'm a Protestant."
"That's okay," replies the nun. "My name is actually Gary and I'm on my way to a costume ball."

Terminatorvs
14th Oct 2006, 14:29
Three cowboys are riding along on their horses. Suddenly, they notice a giant canion.
- I'm a cowbay, I'll jump it over. - Says one of them, his horse runs towards the canion, jumps and falls down.
- I'm a cowbay, I'll jump it over. - Says the other one, his horse runs towards the canion, jumps and falls down.
- I'm a cowbay, I'll jump it over. - Says the third, his horse runs towards the canion, but then she stops right on the edge of it and says: "You're the cowboy. YOU jump."

RuumTaedor
16th Oct 2006, 03:38
An Explanation of the “Chain of Command” Concept

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without Form
And The Plan was completely without Substance
And the Darkness was upon the Face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying
“It is a Crock of Sh?t, and it stinketh.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
“It is a Pail of Dung and none may abide the Odor thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
“It is a container of Excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their directors and sayeth,
“It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying one to another,
“It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went unto the Vice President and sayeth unto him,
“This new Plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency
Of this company, and in these Areas in particular.”
And the President looked upon the Plan,
And sayeth that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
This is how Sh?t happens.

(Oh, so THAT'S how it works!)

Terminatorvs
16th Oct 2006, 04:22
War. A soldier is walking the field of agony. Here was battle. Everyone's dead. Then he hears a voice:
"Hey, bro. Come here, bro".
He looks to the side and sees a seriously wounded soldier. He comes to him.
"Kill me, bro." - Says the wounded man.
So, the soldier has pitty. He aims the gun at the man's head and shoots. Then he closes his eyes in a minute of silence and suddenly hears "Thank's, bro."

SethKoopa
20th Oct 2006, 09:24
War. A soldier is walking the field of agony. Here was battle. Everyone's dead. Then he hears a voice:
"Hey, bro. Come here, bro".
He looks to the side and sees a seriously wounded soldier. He comes to him.
"Kill me, bro." - Says the wounded man.
So, the soldier has pitty. He aims the gun at the man's head and shoots. Then he closes his eyes in a minute of silence and suddenly hears "Thank's, bro."

I don't see how this is a joke.

Terminatorvs
21st Oct 2006, 04:48
It's black/dark humour.
Here's another one:
The wife tells her husband to bath their daughter. "OK" says the husband. In a few minutes the wife hears loud screams of her daughter coming from the bathroom - she rushes there and sees the following: her husband is holding their daughter by the ears with a pair of tongs and plunges her in the bath. The wife yells: "You monster! What are you doing!?". Reply: "And how am I supposed to bathe her with bare hands - the water is boiling."
Cruel. :eek: Cruel. :eek:

SethKoopa
23rd Oct 2006, 14:38
Ick, that's just nasty.:eek: Pretty black indeed.

Terminatorvs
24th Oct 2006, 05:33
All right, no more darkness.
Here's another one.
The salad is lying in the stomack. Suddenly something falls right on him. It's dark, he can't see, so he asks: "Who is it?" - "It's a glass of vodka." - "Where are you from?" - "From above." - "How did you get here?" - "I was treated to."
A few minutes later someone else falls on the salad. "Who is it?" - "A glass of whiskey." - "From above?" - "Yes." - "You were treated to?" - "Yes."
And then again something falls on the salad. "Now who the hell are you?!" - "A glass of tequila." - "From above?!" - "Yes." - "You were treated to?!" - "Yes." - "Guys, you wait here. I'll go up and have a look on this very generous man."