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chuffy
5th Oct 2002, 13:04
okey-dokey

if you wanna read it you'll have to copy and paste.
i'm sorry angelfire doesn't allow direct linking
here it is
http://www.angelfire.com/retro/monkey24/fan_fic.doc


there is likey to be gramma mistakes. sorry but but i'm not to good with gramma.


chuffy

dago
5th Oct 2002, 13:53
kewl...im gona read it now...

i'll tell u what i think when im done...

dago
5th Oct 2002, 13:58
dammit angelfire is irritating...it only hosts sites for a small percent of the day...

Binky
5th Oct 2002, 16:06
I've just read it, and I really, really liked it... The ending suggests that there will be a sequel???

If so, is Marcus connected in any way whatsoever with the BO2 Marcus?

I like the fact that you used these short sentences... these lend a somewhat frenetic feeling to this. One thing, however:
"Then the beloved Ariel was slain..." There is no mention of Ariel anywhere before; perhaps you should change it to either "Then, our beloved Ariel...", or, I suspect, rather "Then, his beloved Ariel..."


Also, perhaps you should consider whether a farmer would really know words such as "paranoia" and "parasite"; especially since farther in the story, you make a point of Kain's voice being "smooth and educated".

And yes, I'm afraid there are some mistakes; but spelling rather than grammar ("they're" instead of "their" and so on). If you'd like to, I could beta-check it for you. (Sorry. I'm a spelling Nazi myself.)


(And if you'd like to enter this into the currently-in-limbo-but-hopefully-soon-to-begin fanfic contest, I'd say that all you would need would be a nice title.)

chuffy
7th Oct 2002, 15:59
if you could spell check it you would have my undying thanks :).
thanks also for the comments. i didn't think about the farmers vocabiary. very good point.

chuffy