View Full Version : thought i would write a fic :)

5th Oct 2002, 13:04

if you wanna read it you'll have to copy and paste.
i'm sorry angelfire doesn't allow direct linking
here it is

there is likey to be gramma mistakes. sorry but but i'm not to good with gramma.


5th Oct 2002, 13:53
kewl...im gona read it now...

i'll tell u what i think when im done...

5th Oct 2002, 13:58
dammit angelfire is irritating...it only hosts sites for a small percent of the day...

5th Oct 2002, 16:06
I've just read it, and I really, really liked it... The ending suggests that there will be a sequel???

If so, is Marcus connected in any way whatsoever with the BO2 Marcus?

I like the fact that you used these short sentences... these lend a somewhat frenetic feeling to this. One thing, however:
"Then the beloved Ariel was slain..." There is no mention of Ariel anywhere before; perhaps you should change it to either "Then, our beloved Ariel...", or, I suspect, rather "Then, his beloved Ariel..."

Also, perhaps you should consider whether a farmer would really know words such as "paranoia" and "parasite"; especially since farther in the story, you make a point of Kain's voice being "smooth and educated".

And yes, I'm afraid there are some mistakes; but spelling rather than grammar ("they're" instead of "their" and so on). If you'd like to, I could beta-check it for you. (Sorry. I'm a spelling Nazi myself.)

(And if you'd like to enter this into the currently-in-limbo-but-hopefully-soon-to-begin fanfic contest, I'd say that all you would need would be a nice title.)

7th Oct 2002, 15:59
if you could spell check it you would have my undying thanks :).
thanks also for the comments. i didn't think about the farmers vocabiary. very good point.